… how to be a source of change and force for good
You know the letter burning ritual? You write a letter to someone, letting out all the heaviness, all the darkness, all the rage… and then instead of sending it, you burn it. No one else ever sees it. The process of letting go is for you only… and it can be a wonderfully therapeutic thing.
For me, each blog post is a burned letter… but instead of my words withering to ash, they smolder onto these pages. It is still my process of letting go, but I choose to let my words remain. And I do this for three reasons.
To:
1. Validate
2. Advocate
3. Educate
Maybe one day I’ll come up with a really cool acronym, but really, these three words are it. Survivors don’t have complicated motives for sharing their stories, just a basic desire to connect and help other humans. The end.
As I write this blog, I have these three goals in mind. I won’t always connect them to sexual assault, because it’s shame of any kind that gives these goals a place. However, my own experiences are indeed a driving force, so the majority of what I will talk about does revolve around trauma and sexual assault. In that vein, let’s talk about the three goals.
Validate:
In her book Know My Name, Chanel Miller says, “I always wondered why survivors understood other survivors so well. Why, even if the details of our attacks vary, survivors can lock eyes and get it without having to explain. Perhaps it is not the particulars of the assault itself that we have in common, but the moment after; the first time you are left alone. Something slipping out of you. Where did I go. What was taken. It is terror swallowed inside silence. An unclipping from the world where up was up and down was down.”
I am overcome with emotion whenever I read those lines, because that’s exactly how it is. I have an unbreakable bond with other survivors— instant and miraculous, and sealed by simple knowing. Sometimes we talk about our trauma, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we say nothing, and it is enough. It is the inexplicable phenomenon that just by sitting together, each moment and experience is validated.
Validation keeps survivors moving forward.
I know because I stalled so many times throughout my journey— momentum choked by fear and doubt. And then I experienced what was, for me, the most significant validation of all… and, suddenly, fear and doubt were strangled into oblivion.
I was sitting in the interview room of the local police station. I had just recounted the events of July 13th and had answered all the detective’s questions. And then he said, “I want you to know that I believe you. This was 100% sexual assault.” Two short sentences, and my world changed. For a minute, I couldn’t even speak… I just let my body absorb those words and fill each wound.
I am believed.
It always meant a great deal to have friends and family who supported me and who believed me… but this was different. This man didn’t know me, and I didn’t know him. But here was a total stranger whose profession is to sort truth and lies… and he knew that I spoke truth.
In that moment, I was propelled forward again.
But this time, I never stopped, and I never looked back.
Advocate & Educate:
We cannot stop at validation. We must also advocate and educate. I advocate for empathy and understanding, and I advocate for change. And in order to do that, I seek to educate.
Let me elaborate…
There have been days, weeks, months when I would have drowned had I not been lifted up by the waves of friends. But, while so well-intentioned, I would occasionally receive comments that caused me to dip down into my sorrow again. There was no malintent; they had no idea that what they said was hurtful… but for that reason, I feel the need to bring awareness to some of the emotions commonly experienced by survivors. And in this manner of “educating,” I hope to broaden the scope of understanding and expand empathy. Without that, there will be never be change.
If you know someone who has experienced trauma, I hope the things I share will help.
And, on the off chance you are an actual rapist reading this blog, bravo for educating yourself on the importance of not violating and degrading other human beings through sexual violence!! 👏
In all sincerity, I believe all individuals are worthy and capable of change. Remorse and humility are only the beginning, but they can be a mighty catalyst for transformation.
Each and every one of us harnesses the power to change. It’s what it means to be human. So whoever you are– wherever you are in this journey of life– decide who you want to be. Decide how you will validate and advocate. Do better. Be better. Write the rest in a letter…
… and let it burn.